Conan the Barbarian (1982)

This is one of those movies I watched for education more than entertainment. It still gets cited now and then, particularly for a handful of quotable lines, but I was warned that it could really use a best-of cut. If it weren't streaming, I probably wouldn't have bothered checking it out.

In an unspecified land and century evocative of early medieval Europe, young Conan (then Jorge Sanz) sees the army of Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) slaughter all the adults in his village and sell the children into slavery. Between manual labor, pit matches, and oriental training, Conan becomes quite the brawny fighter (now Arnold Schwarzenegger in his star-making role) before his voluntary release. He allies himself with two thieves, archer Subotai (Gerry Lopez) and fellow swordmaster Valeria (Sandahl Bergman), in his quest for vengeance. But Doom is worse than a mere warlord; he leads a snake-themed cult whose adherents readily kill themselves at his bidding, even tho he himself is reportedly more than a millennium old.